Validation – why I don’t pursue it Part 1

On the local morning show last week, they talked about a site called, fake a vacation dot com. Yes it sounds like a joke or a Saturday Night Live bit, but unfortunately it’s an actual site, a business.! You send your pictures and choose a popular destination of choice, such as Las Vegas or Hawaii, and they will photo shop you into those locations, so that you can post into social media, and display to friends all the nice vacations you are pretending to take. This is what we have come to, it is so ridiculous, that it’s hilarious. This is the epitome of keeping up with the Joneses. This stems from seeking validation; in context of this post, affirmation, or acceptance from others. To me, validation is an incessant and endless pursuit, below I write why I don’t pursue it!

Validation via Social media: As I started actively pursuing to live a more meaningful life and pursue internal growth when my mom was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago. I had made a decision to take a digital, and social media break. I wanted to spend my time which added value to my life, and mindless scrolling wasn’t one of them. I went cold turkey on Facebook since January 2018, currently I only use couple of group chats for family or friends to share important messages time to time. I have to say I have not missed social media a bit. It has actually been wonderful to have that time back I would have spent looking at pictures, posts, hitting likes,or comments on things sometimes, because you feel obligated to. Don’t get me wrong I still enjoy sharing, and when others share their pictures or updates about their lives with me, but now it’s more on a personal or one on one level. It is more meaningful to me, and I’m sure it is to them.

When I was on Facebook, I would say yes I did seek validation through likes, comments, and reaction to what I posted. I remember getting a little high and a little release of serotonin when I saw new comments or a new likes. Knowingly or unknowingly I’m certain many social media users feel the same. Then the pursuit begins to post more, to get more likes and comments. I remember at times when I’d be on my way to a vacation or an event; I’m already preparing in my mind what I might post or the clever caption that would grab the most attention. Actually now that I have not posted anything in 17 months, I notice this even more among other people, where a lot of times this pursuit of posting, completely takes over the enjoyment of actually enjoying what is in front of you- the present moment.

Of course social media can be used more purposefully. To share information, raise awareness, or promote businesses and even start grass root movements. Even to use personally, but in moderation for the sake of sharing but not expecting anything in return, I would say is okay, and can be fun. Otherwise it becomes a validation tool, where you are constantly seeking the next high with new likes and comments, and reversely feel not as good or even low in the absence of it.

Validation via materialistic possessions: My belated mother always believed and lived by the motto- Simple living high thinking. Yes she did have all the materialistic possessions an upper middle class family in Nepal would, but nothing was ever in excess. Now, more than ever I want to live my life with simplicity, as that was one of her biggest teaching to me. I think that would be the best tribute to her.

Also over the past 7 months as I lost my beloved mother, than my beloved husband 5 months apart; one of the biggest realization I’ve had is, how all of us will leave all the material possessions behind us. Right after mom passed, I used to look around the beautiful house her and my dad worked so hard to build 30 years ago, and all the things in it, and it would hit me- she left all of it, ALL OF IT. And so did my belated husband.

As my brother, dad, and I were at the hospital with many other well wishers during her last days at the post palliative support floor in Nepal Cancer Hospital, I don’t think she had one ounce of thought about the house, or her jewelry or savings in the bank. I believe for her, she was at most peace and contentment knowing her family was there with her, and that she was at peace with the life she had lived.

Yes abundance is good, and it is nice to have nice things, it makes life more comfortable. Where it takes a twisted turn is when you measure your self worth, and tie it to material possessions. People may live by this belief, that – I have more hence I am more, and all my friends and family view me of certain stature because of the big house, or the shiny car or the latest brand name fashion I own. You might get a kick out of it, a high, and you continue this endless cycle where now you have to keep up with it. If all of your friends are wearing only brand name clothes, you feel compelled to do as well, so that maybe you don’t feel out of place or not accepted. Brand name clothes or anything nice, there is nothing inherently wrong in buying or wearing them. It only is, if you are doing it to seek validation and attention from others. I do possess handful of brand name items; and mostly lesser known brands. At times I may have been made fun of in a harmless way, but I laugh it off or may have a smart rebuttal. I’m okay with it. It’s not important to me.

Another example of validation at the sub conscious level I am making concerted effort not to exercise is, casually blurting out price of something in a conversation. I may just mention the price of a pricey basketball shoes I recently bought for my son, or how much a plane ticket cost me. In our family we have been raised to understand, that it is not in good taste to share price of things or how much you earn, unless someone specifically asks about it. Am I seeking some sort of validation by informing my friends or family, I am able to spend this amount, so I must be successful, or of a certain stature? Perhaps I may have sub consciously felt that way; now I am more aware of it, and make an effort not to drop any dollar bombs!

I drive a fairly modest car and live in a fairly modest townhouse. It certainly does not scream- Look I have reached a certain point in my life. Especially after my losses, and this new realization of how material things mean less to me; I am content with it. I don’t seek validation from the type of car I drive or the size of the house I live in. There are things of convenience, where I wish for a bigger driveway, so that my son S can play basketball more freely, or a more private back where I can host friends and family, but besides that I’m okay. For now, it works for my family. Having said that, if a bigger house, or a luxury car worked for me, and my lifestyle, I would absolutely acquire it. However, I don’t have a need or desire for it, it’s not important to me or my family. It only becomes an incessant self defeating pursuit when you acquire these things to meet the status symbol or display certain socioeconomic stature in your life to gain validation from others. If you measure your self worth by means of such possessions- house or car; does it mean, your self worth will be less if someone else gets something bigger or nicer or shinier? Or, if for any reason you loose them ?

Of course we also want to ask ourselves – what are the priorities in our lives? There is no right or wrong priority; it is yours. For me, experiences versus possessions are more valuable, not for validation but just for the sake of it. If I want to take my son S on couple of vacations a year, or sign him up for any sports class or camps, or if we want to eat at nice restaurants on a frequent basis, and he wants to order 2 dinners at the same time; I want to be able to provide this wholeheartedly without any hesitation . Those shared experiences bring us joy. Meaningful experiences with my family, and planning for our future, is what’s important to me. I also value anything that brings overall wellness and a healthy lifestyle.

If there were no societal norms to keep up with, and you could live your life that best worked for your family, and you never felt the need for approval from anyone, what would be the most important thing for you? What brings you the most authentic joy?

Instead of validation, what I am seeking to understand, is what detachment from material things mean? It is a work in progress. I will continue to share my journey on this. I know one thing for sure, seeking validation is a futile pursuit, so don’t chase it.

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2 Replies to “Validation – why I don’t pursue it Part 1”

  1. Very well said. Loved this one even more. Canโ€™t wait for next update.

    1. Thank you Preema. Yes I’m quite motivated to write part 2. Now I just have to be careful not to look for validations through this blog or this post ๐Ÿ˜‰ Well that is the human in me ๐Ÿ™‚

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