This is the weekend of our wedding anniversary; the first one since my beloved husband Scott passed away 3 months ago. I’ve had another big milestone day- Mother’s day this month. I wanted to write about celebrating (or not )these milestone days during grieving- for me, as I grieve for both my mother and my husband. No I have not reserved a Table for One to celebrate the anniversary. Hey nothing wrong in dining out alone; I’ve just never done it. I am blessed to have a lot of close family and good friends who happily give me company when I want to dine out. When I say- Table for One, it is also a portrayal of my state of mind; so yes both literally and figuratively.
In one of the sessions I asked my therapist – do I celebrate the anniversary? Because you kind of need 2 people to celebrate an anniversary. She said, “of course if you want to, it’s quite normal to celebrate all the milestone days.” Luckily on the anniversary weekend, we are be busy with my son S’s basketball tournament games, so there’s not much time for anything else. Obviously S enjoys his games, but I am one of those mom’s who enjoy it just as much watching him and his team, and my voice is usually out at the end of the day from cheering! Nothing would make Scott happier then to know we are carrying on our normal routine on this special weekend. I think a big part of grieving and healing is to carry on the routines as much as possible, children specially find it reassuring and comforting. However, keeping in mind that I don’t use the routine or busyness to mask the grief. So yes, these milestone days for me will still have special elements to them, so that we’re still paying a tribute to Scott or my mom in their memory. As I sit between break of S’s basketball games; writing this post, this in a way is a celebration of the anniversary, as I reminisce of Scott and our life together.
A life deliberately lived is a celebration. I want to focus this weekend on things that give me and S joy. So how am I celebrating? Yesterday, I went to the gym for my favorite dance class, Club Vibe with a blend of studio style dance and fitness. I always come out of this class feeling a hundred times better and with so much energy. I worked. I went to my therapist and cried for half the session, and then we listened to a voicemail from Scott. We went to the basketball tournament. Read to S, a letter, Scott had written to me on one anniversary. I cried; S listened intently, and gave me a hug. As I lit a candle by his picture as I do everyday, I told Scott I was mad at him, I’m not supposed to be lighting a candle to him, he was supposed to be standing by me on our anniversary. Today, went for an early morning run on the same trail that we held a celebration bike ride with the closest family and friends one year to celebrate our anniversary. I just feel so connected to Scott and Mom when I’m in nature. Now back to the basketball tournament today. Rest of the weekend will be similar with some quiet quality time with S and the closest family and friends. I miss him dearly, but I am at peace. S’s team has been bit of an underdog, and a team that beat them by 30 points in a different tournament couple of weekends ago; today S’s team beat those guys 35-33. A perfect celebration for this weekend! Scott would be so proud of our son S.
As, Sheryl Sandberg, an author, and the COO of Facebook who lost her 47 year old husband says, “Death does not end relationships. Death does not end love….”. I’ll always love Scott, just as much as I loved him when he was in this earth. Whatever my future may hold, my love for Scott is eternal. As is my love for my mother. I could write a whole post on silly things people say to ones who are grieving, but the one that irritates me the most is – Move On! Ah really? If you have been reading my posts, you know that I am not one to dwell on my pain, and let grief take control of my life. I have control over how I grieve, and I take those time boxed moments where I sit with the pain, cry and let myself be sad; but then I get up and take on life. Yes, humans are amazingly adaptive and resilient, and sometimes you have to work at it, as I make concerted effort in every aspect of my life – mind, body, soul wellness, time with my son S, time with people dear to me, work, and giving back. But none of those changes or requires me to love Scott any less that I used to.
Otherwise we are just a bunch of selfish narcissistic jerks, aren’t we? Anyone who believes- I will only love you as long as I can see you, but the minute you are gone, and you have nothing to offer me in the physical or the material sense, my love dies with you; for me that is a very spurious love. I am pretty good about laughing about my life situations, you have to sometimes. Yes it’s okay to laugh even while you are grieving. As Sandberg says in her book, Option B, “give yourself permission to laugh.” The other day I was on a walk with a very good friend, and I was talking to her about how I felt about this anniversary coming up. She says pointing to the sky, “he’ll celebrate up there, and you celebrate here; it’s kind of a long distance relationship.” We looked at each other and burst out laughing and said – we love you Scott. I’m not sure I would be okay, if just anyone made that comment, but she’s a truly good friend who’s always there for me, and was with Scott till the very end at the hospital, so yes she can absolutely make comments like that.
There are a million reasons why I loved him, I can write a book on it, and our life. Perhaps I will one day. On this weekend of celebration I want to share a few of those. He was not perfect, neither was I, nor was life sometimes, but our love was perfect. Perfect and unconditional. I will always be in gratitude to have had the privilege to experience that kind of love. No one could make me laugh like he did. I think of one measure of a good relationship is to be with someone who can make you laugh. He had the best sense of humor. This morning when I went running and saw some people stretching before the run, reminded me of the time about a month before he passed, he had me and S cracking up. We were about to go on a trail that time, and he was mimicking some super serious overzealous runners who are uber eager to do all this stretching (well that’s me too sometimes!). So he pulled up his shorts super high to his chest, to make it funny, with his butt poking out and arms against the wall doing all these stretches, then walks off very nonchalant. It was hilarious. Luckily I recorded video of it, and we watch it all the time.
He could do just about any accent but the funniest was the deep southern country accent. Sometimes when we were going to visit my mother in law, he’d say , “let’s go to momma n ’ems up air”– country for we are going to mom’s up there. At times he would prank call with one of the accents. One time he called one of the gyms inquiring about the zumba class. Even just writing about it wants to make me bust out laughing. He’d used country accent that time and kept on referring to Zumba as Jamba; the young receptionist receiving the phone call was trying very hard to hold out her laugh.
I have so many good memories on drives together. One of the funniest one is when he was driving with our son S’s kid bicycle helmet. You know one of those, that has like a mohawk on the top. Then he pulled the drivers seat really close to the steering wheel. Then when we pulled up next to other cars at the traffic light he’d just smile and stare at them. People either thought he was real crazy or would bust out laughing.
He had zero dance moves, but that never stopped him. He was totally stuck on the 80’s dance, from the sprinkler to the cabbage patch. I’d like to think I’m a fairly okay dancer, but when we danced together I’d have 2 left feet too and would start doing his moves. Sometimes out of the blue, he’d just sing the 90’s hip hop song- Shawty swing my way, shyau look good to me”, and come dance behind me. Other times he’d play a classic like Louis Armstrong’s – What a Wonderful Life and we would slow dance in the living room.
He could even walk funny and have S and I cracking up. Once we were in the mall, he starts walking ahead of S and I, wears his pants real low showing his boxer shorts, and starts walking with a swag. Then slows it down . You would have to see it to believe how funny this scene was. People around him were smiling or laughing. The other funny walk he did was, he’d stop suddenly, be really still, and lift his legs all the way back really fast, one at a time. Repeat about 10 times. Then just resume his normal walk. Imagine this when you are just walking on a busy street, pretty funny.
One thing I loved about him was how much he was open to learning about other cultures, customs, cuisine, and language. He had so much curiosity to learn and respect for it. He could understand a lot of Nepalese and speak some. All of my family and friends were so fond of him; they loved how he always tried so hard to speak what he could. He’d call some of my girlfriends – Didi meaning older sister. In Nepalese there are different words to address older sister and younger sister. He’d say in Nepalese- “ma Didi lai ekdum maya garchu” meaning I love you very much older sister; knowing of course girls my age don’t want to be addressed as Didi. They would get annoyed and would love it at the same time. My girlfriend’s sometimes lovingly referred to him as Scottie the Hottie. He’d also do sweet yet funny things like, if he packed breakfast for my best friend and I, he’d include a funny note.
S and Scott could carry on long Father – Son, conversations on all topics from social causes or injustices, to aircraft carriers and F-18’s, to how important it is for S to know and respect his Nepalese side. And of course they would share funny fart jokes. On Scott’s 2 month anniversary after he passed, we were lighting 41 candles to celebrate each of 41 years of Scott’s life. As we were lighting the candles; S farts like a typical kid. I tell S, “C’mon man you can’t be farting while we are doing something so sacred”, and S says- “Dad would have thought it was funny and laughed about it.” Very true, Scott just had the best sense of humor. Then we carried on lighting the remaining candles.
So yes, today I and our son S, celebrate Scott, our anniversary, as we reminisce these memories. He’s not here with us, but he’s very much with us. S and I will go to dinner with some family, so it won’t be a Table of One. But even if I had decided to go to dinner on my own for some quiet time, it would have been Table for One only in the physical worldly sense, because Scott is always with me.
Happy Anniversary My Love. I grieve, and I celebrate you, and us today. This post as many others, is dedicated to you.
This memorial day weekend, I also dedicate this post to all the men and women who sacrificed their lives in the battlefield. And, to their families who grieve them.
Very loving memory to Scott- appropriate on this Memorial Day. Loved reading this post- saw the funny and goofy side of Scott. I think I would have lol if I saw him in his Mohawk helmet.
Thank you Preema. He was quite the funny guy, and very goofy, Yes you would have been cracking up too.