Grieving from a place of Joy – Part 2

Beautiful picture perfect day with blue sky, and perfect temperature at about 70 degrees. Beautiful Easter service, and brunch with family and friends. A day to celebrate the resurrection. Then it hits me during service as we were singing songs- this is the first Easter since Scott passed. The disbelief hits me hard and fast. Tears roll down my cheeks, as we sing. Wow he really isn’t here, not part of this service, not these songs, not this brunch or this beautiful day! I step away to go to the bathroom and cry for a bit, then re engage myself. Couple of hours later when I’m sitting alone in my living room, I get a cup tea, look out at the beautiful green trees slightly swaying in the wind, and I let it out and Cry profusely. I cried, I listened to Scott’s favorite Hans Zimmer score, and I told him out loud how much I missed him. About 30 minutes later, I called a good friend to meet us at a popular hangout where we could be outdoors. I completely enjoyed the afternoon with some family members, my son S, and my friend.

I made a choice, after I let myself cry in the morning, to enjoy the rest of the day with family and a good friend, and I did. Continuing from Grieving from a place of Joy – Part 1.

8. Choice: You always have a Choice, even as you grieve or as you go through any difficult situation. We may not have had choice on how or when our loved one passed, but we do have a choice on how we grieve. Don’t let the grief dictate how you live, instead dictate how you grieve and live your life. Once the disbelief hit me earlier today, and I missed Scott tremendously, and chose to cry, I could have very well sat with my grief, and just stayed home all day. But, I made a choice to get outside of the house, and be with family and a good friend. I had a wonderful day. It’s evening now, as I write this post, my heart and mind feels light- there is no heaviness. Yes, this was the first Easter since Scott passed, I miss him dearly, but I’m at peace with it.

9. Do not suppress your emotions: There was not a moment today, where I suppressed my emotion, of sadness or happiness. I enjoyed laughing and felt happiness of the moment, with my friend and family when we were sitting outdoors enjoying the weather, and the glass of wine. Similarly earlier in the day, I cried, and felt the sadness of the moment, of his loss. I am a cheer leader for all things positive- thinking, attitude, influence. However, it’s important to understand being positive does not ever mean masking or suppressing your emotion. If you suppress it, this delay of feeling your emotion will only most likely manifest itself in harmful ways to yourself and others. I know, because my past self has done it. In the past, let’s say if I’m sad, but I am too afraid to feel the sadness because it is uncomfortable, it may at some future time would come out in the form of anger or some other negative emotion or action. Most of us with children know, at times when we have not dealt with some conflict or issue at work place; at home, it might come out as anger or yelling at our children at their smallest diversion. Of course there are times, when you are in public you may not be in a position to feel or sit with your emotion, and momentarily put a hold on it. But, you can always still acknowledge it, the moment it hits you. At a more appropriate time later you can sit with it and feel it. I’m no expert by any measure on emotions, but I have learnt a lot from a book I highly recommend, Emotional Rescue by Dzogchen Ponlop , one of my favorite books. The author examines and presents a holistic view of the entire cycle of emotion.

10. Volunteering: In Grieving from a place of Joy part 1, I talked about finding a new purpose in my life – one of which is active volunteering. This past week was the perfect opportunity to do so on my mom’s 7 months and Scott’s 2 months anniversary since they passed. On the actual 2 month anniversary day, I took half a day to go to the Meals by Grace Aquaponic farm greenhouse (mealsbygrace.org), and harvested some butterhead, and romaine lettuce, along with Steve Daniels, co founder of this wonderful organization that works very hard to feed the hungry children, and families in need, in the surrounding area. Scott had just started to volunteer here. Yesterday, I signed myself, my son S, and the family to volunteer at their kitchen to cook and deliver food to the families. It was fun to fellowship with others, and felt such a privilege to be able to serve, but more than anything it was fulfilling. We cut onions and meat, peeled the sweet potato, stirred the green beans, wrapped the meal trays, washed the industrial size pots and pans, and reminisced how Scott solely managed the dish washing station last time he was there. During all of these activities at the kitchen, I and the family felt a sense of deep joy. Joy that we were able to do this as a tribute and in memory of my Mom and Scott, as part of grieving their losses. Later as were driving to deliver boxes full of food to the families, we listened to Scott’s favorite music from BB King blues, to ZZ top rock, and laughed, and danced, and reminisced some more. We are very encouraged to do more volunteering. I would like to continue to volunteer at least once a month for at least a year from the time they passed. I am still a beginner in active volunteering, nonetheless as Jesus says, You will love your neighbor as yourself– Mark 12:31; is looking beyond self. When you are grieving, looking outside of your own suffering, and being able to contribute any amount of time or effort, gives you a sense of joy, and fulfillment. Your loss is there, but the heaviness dissipates a bit.

11. Don’t feel guilty for feeling any positive emotion or action: be happy if you want to be. Don’t apologize for feeling happy while you are grieving. I have covered laughing and happiness during grieving in my previous points. Just to reiterate, there is no timeline as to how long you should wait to feel happy or joy after your loved ones pass. If you want to go to a dinner party and be with friends and laugh, and take selfies, do it. If you want to go watch movies with friends, do it. If you want to go to happy hour with co workers, do it. If you want to go to a dance class at your gym, do it. If you want to exchange silly texts with friends, do it. I have done all of those in the past 2 months, and I’ve never suppressed feelings happy or any other positive emotion during my grieving. I don’t identify myself as a griever or a widow. The minute I identify with it, I would be playing a role, fulfilling preconceived notions, where maybe society expects me to be sad or stay sad or not do anything enjoyable for a certain time. Don’t give yourself a label- be it a widow, widower, divorcee, or any other personally or professionally. Don’t put yourself in a box, and feel like you have to act and behave how society may expect. Or may be your own self imposed idea of how someone grieving should feel or act. It is an unnecessary and impossible pursuit. Well it should not be a pursuit period. Having said that I wore black for several weeks after Scott passed, because I felt like wearing black; I was not particularly feeling too colorful. It may have been a reflection of my sadness at that time. I chose to, not because I had to. Of course there is general courtesy around certain solemn moments, and having the common sense of respect and consideration. Outside of it, I am not afraid to feel any positive emotion, happiness, excitement or any other in private or public, even as I grieve. I can confidently say Mom and Scott would be happy knowing I let myself be who I am. I hope you can too.

I will continue to add more as I practice- Grieving from a place of Joy.

Please share (Facebook, twitter, any other social media), subscribe, comment, if you or anyone else you know can find value from this blog.