Grieving from a place of Joy – Part 1

We all grieve differently and there is no one right or wrong way to grieve. It had been about 3 weeks since my husband Scott passed away, and about 5 months since my mom passed away. I woke up one morning and said to myself- I want to grieve from a place of Joy, and not sadness. It just came to me as though God had put this thought in my head. But what does that even mean? It almost sounds catchy or something new age. Then I took a couple of days to ponder over it and it will continue on. Thus far for me, this is what grieving from a place of Joy means, and I have been practicing it. Below is roughly what I shared with our family who are all grieving in their own way:

1. I immediately want to be in gratitude when I think of Scott, for the privilege of having had him in my life for twenty plus years; for All the experiences – the good ones, the challenges, the trials, tribulations, triumphs, and the ones somewhere in between. Obviously the good ones to cherish and All the other experiences still to be thankful for; as those experiences has given me the inner strength and spiritual growth that I may not have had otherwise.
2. Gratitude towards Scott, for giving me S (our son, their grandson / nephew. Keeping son’s name private for now)
3. Gratitude towards Scott and my mom, for giving me new purpose in life. I don’t have all the answers, but I know I want to dedicate a generous amount of time, and effort in being of service to others. I will ask everyday- what have I done today that would be a tribute to Scott, and my mom and their memory. It may just mean deep (fully engaged) listening to a family or a friend in need ; eye contact and a smile to the cashier at the grocery store, a genuine complement or appreciation to a coworker, or active volunteering.
4. Most importantly – let yourself feel completely, the emotion you feel as part of grieving and own it, acknowledge it, be it sadness, loss, anger or any other. If you want to cry- cry. If you want to feel the loss completely and be alone momentarily- be alone. However, “timebox” it, literally if it works for you. I just make a mental note that- I’m feeling sad now, yes let me feel it, and sit with it completely. Sometimes it might be a few minutes and at times it may be a couple of hours, then I get up and move to something else.
5. It’s my inherent makeup, but I also make a concerted effort not to dwell on any particular emotion for too long. You too can make that choice. I know it may not be easy in the beginning or if you are not inherently built that way. But it’s okay, try anyway.
6. Talk to close friends, family who you trust will truly listen to you, about the loss or your grieving. Death is not inherently a negative, as the world makes out to be. Yes, circumstances, situations , illnesses, leading up to the passing may be difficult or terrible. However, death is a transition to eternal Life. We don’t like to think or talk about our own mortality, but it helps put things in a bit of perspective, when we fully realize we all will pass one day. It may be many years and decades from now, but there is an end date, after the hyphen, for all of us The point I’m trying to make here mainly is- it is Okay to talk about it. Nothing irritates me more than people who refer to cancer as the C word, and I’m sure some people refer to Death as the D word. I will write more on this in the future.
7. Immerse yourself in everything positive- books, blogs, podcasts, documentaries, writing. I refrain from listening to sad music or read or watch anything negative or will make me sadder. Sadness is already there during grieving, we don’t need to work at it. Having said that, I give myself some time every week when I do listen to Scott’s favorite music or our favorite music or look at his photos.

I will continue to add more as I practice -Grieving from a place of Joy.

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